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Submitted by Johnnie M.

In  Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and
Passover Holy days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against
Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days.

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to  the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge
banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this
case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others..  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and
Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."  

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm
14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'  Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client
says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.."

A man in New York City decided to write a book about churches around the country.  He started by flying to San
Francisco, and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.  He spotted a golden telephone
on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and sign.  The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in
fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.  The man thanked the pastor
and continued on his way.  As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake, Chicago, Milwaukee, and
around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally he arrived in the lovely hill country of Austin, Texas Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual
golden telephone.  BUT THIS time the sign read, "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.
"Father, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone and have
been told it is a direct line to Heaven and could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a

Your sign reads 25 cents a call. "Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now, and it's a local call."
Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan
University in Marquette.   They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.   One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.   They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and
limbs, went first.   'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear.   And when I found him, I began to read to
him from the Catechism.   Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.   So I
quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.   
The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.   He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV
drip.   In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle!   I
went out and I FOUND me a bear.   And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!   But that
bear wanted nothing to do with me.   So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek.   So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy
soul.   And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.   We spent the rest of the day praising

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.   He was in a body
cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.   He was in really bad shape.   The Rabbi
looked up and said:  "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

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