Success and Failure Blog

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Thanksgiving* What Matters?

Making friends is on many minds, especially for people moving to new places, or going to a new school or college, as many will soon. How does one do it? And, how does one go from mere acquaintance to “best friend forever“?

I remember, years back, a story of a child who came home from Kindergarten, and announced they’d made a really nice friend, and played with them for a few straight days. When asked their name, the child replied, “I don’t know, we haven’t gotten that far yet.”

Sometimes the easiest things in the world are the things we make look the hardest. Sometimes, we get so bogged down by rules, such as finding out everything about someone, and calculating – usually subconsciously – if we want to spend time with them, we forget to actually try to make a friend.

On the other hand, the opposite can also be true. We decide we’re going to just “hang out” with someone, and they end up leading us down the wrong path because we know nothing about them, and they are actually living a life that’s a bad influence on us, when we should be the leader in a situation.

So, how do we strike a balance?

It’s not like Kindergarten, where you just start playing together, or middle or high school, where you can join a club or watch sports – even if you and your new friends can only commiserate on how bad the team is. It’s not like college, either, where your dorm leader has fun activities and you can sit around and laugh about answers to questions like, “If you were a tree, what kind would you be?”

Or, is it? As noted, we often make things too hard. Yes, some cities have more hurried people who appear less friendly, but there are ways to do it without being led astray by the wrong kinds of friends.

First, Decide Who You Are

It would be easy for me to write, “You have to be a leader.” It’s harder for some people, though. Some are naturally shy and need to really work at it. Some suffer from heartbreak that causes them to be in a shell. Some have difficulty even knowing how to begin a conversation, because their brains are wired differently; I have a very good online friend with Asperger’s Syndrome, for instance. One great uncle, as well, has always had trouble meeting new people.

Still, while everyone’s friend making style is a little different, the Bible says, “A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” (Prov. 18:24) We can turn to the examples above, from school, to consider not only how to go about finding friends, but also, how to cultivate that friendship with the One who will always be faithful, Jesus Christ.

The Kindergarten Connection

It’s easy to walk up to someone and say, “Do you want to play?” Or, just start playing ball or something with them as they are playing. Kids are often much more open to this than adults. Most kids don’t go through hundreds of scenarios and try to pick up dozens of cues. Sometimes, of course, they might wonder how – or if – some other kid will play with them. But, this is where it’s important, as adults, to encourage children to talk to kids who are shier, who are challenged in some way, or something else.

Adults don’t have playgrounds, or play kickball or hopscotch; about the closest is when great joy causes one to start skipping, which can be good exercise. Even if we did, kids don’t develop into BFF just by playing together, though it can start like that.

Children go from playing together to sharing things about each other. They realize they have common interests. They show compassion when each other is hurting. Even if that is just a shoulder to cry on, sometimes that is the best thing there can be. And, that’s the important thing to take from the “Kindergarten Connection.” Like my initial story, don’t worry about walking up to someone and learning everything before you make a decision. Get involved at a church, volunteer, do something that interests you. Go to a neighborhood meeting – or, if there’s no association, form one. If you’ve moved into an area, have a “Good Neighbor” cookout and invite those on your block. (It’s not hard – just go around with invitations telling them you will have, for instance, burgers and chips, they can bring their own food, and you’re doing it to meet your new neighbors. In an apartment, you can still hang out in the lobby a little and greet people. You don’t have to have a one-hour conversation at first – this is that first recess where you play together.) One interesting idea: Iintroduce yourself at the end – so people recall your name.

Even if you’re not as outgoing as some of these, this site for shy kids and this one on socializing provide other good, encouraging ideas, which can be analogized to adult life, if you’re an adult.

That’s the way it happens in higher levels of school, too – clubs, sports, and other interest groups are formed, because older kids and young adults can handle more structure than little kids, who need time to be kids, too. We think it’s harder because we had good friends where we lived before – and we go from having one or more to having none. Whereas, kids realize they’re starting from scratch, and just figure someone will come along. Or, we’re like the one who takes the lead, and starts doing something, and we join in with them.

Think of it as constant networking and building relationships. You won’t build one with everyone, just like you didn’t become best friends with all 20 Kindergarten classmates; you may have had too different of a personality than a few, you never connected with a few, and one or two might have scared you. You might not have found that BFF till classmate number 2 or 8 or 19 – or maybe it was even someone in a different class! The point is, keep trying those interest groups. Will you find people who aren’t interested? Sure. But, when you start jumping rope on the playground, you don’t have hundreds of kids flocking to you, either. It’s usually just a few at most. However, one or two winds up being one you play with more often. There’s a lot of trial and error. Maybe one group won’t provide a BFF, but it will lead to one, or some other activity will.

Of course, it will then take a while till your new friends learn about you – and maybe even longer till you find someone you can confide in. The wonderful thing is, though, that Jesus knows all about you, and is ready to be the best possible friend right away.

What a Friend We Have In Jesus

The fact He calls His disciples friends shows that He is ready to be the best possible friend right away; but it’s not the only reason. He is God in flesh (John 10:30, etc.), and he created the world; by Him all things continue to exist. (John 1:1-3, Col. 1:16-17, etc.) he created the entire world; each of us, in fact. And yet, He wants to be friends with us.

At first, you might wonder, “What can I have in common with Him?” It’s easy to do, and it’s one very big reason why we don’t pray like we should. But, God says in His Word that He understands our problems, and – while we pretend we can handle them all ourselves – He calls us to go boldly before the throne of grace for help with things (Heb. 4:15-16). He will give us wisdom whenever we ask for it (James 1:5), peace that passeth understanding (Phil. 4:7), and so many other wonderful things.

It’s easy to see, then, how Jesus is such a wonderful friend. He sticks closer than a brother – and a loving sibling is born to help in times of trouble. But, Jesus sticks closer, He will help us through anything. And, the wonderful thing is, He loves at all times.

That kind of love – unconditional love – is hard to find in this world. It’s the kind we want in a best friend forever. Best friends, after all, don’t just let us walk all over them or let us mess up our lives. BFFs are willing to come up beside us and lovingly say, for instance, “That’s not going to be very good for you.” They know us so well, and despite our faults, they love us – but they also love us enough not to let those faults drag us down. And, if someone snaps and says, “Who cares? I’m going to do what I want, and you’re not my friend if you try to stop me,” that BFF is there to support them if that bad choice (getting drunk, going out with a certain person, or whatever else that BFF knows is bad news) leads to horrible consequences.

See, we don’t always do what’s right. In fact, that was the whole purpose of Jesus’ coming to this world in the first place. God made this world perfect. There was no sin in it – no bad stuff. But, people chose to start sinning, and that sin had bad consequences. The worst was, it separated us from God.

God made a way for us to become His friends, though. He reconciled us to Himself, by taking the punishment for our sin. Each person has to pay a price for their sin – unless they let God Himself pay that price for them. What an awesome friend, who would take the punishment for our sins!

That price that was paid was the only price big enough – Jesus came to this world and died on the cross willingly, shedding His blood as he died. Then, on the third day, He rose from the dead. He was able to do this because he was God. And, he is just waiting for each of us to call on Him – each person just needs to repent and receive Him as Saviour. That means to choose not to be a sinner anymore, but to let Jesus change you on the inside. Because, as a true Friend, that’s His job.

In fact, once you have Him living inside you through the Holy Spirit, He will always be an ever present help in time of need. He will always guide you in the right direction, and away from thigns that might cause you pain – He’ll always provide a way to escape problems. And yet, if you rebel against Him, once He has sealed you with the Holy Spirit, he will always be there to lovingly welcome you back. Just like that best friend who, even if you refuse their advice with disastrous consequences – will still love you.

And, you can have such fun with Him, too. He’ll open your eyes to so many good things, and so much joy – why, the Apostle Paul mentions joy dozens of times in an epistle he wrote in prison, the Book of Philippians! Jesus came so we might have life, and have it more abundantly. (John 10:10)

So, how do you get that friend, you ask? Remember that example, where the child just started playing with someone? It’s that easy. Just go to Him by faith. It’s as easy as ABC:

Admit you’re a sinner, that your sin – things you say, think, and do that displease God – keeps you from God’s perfect Heaven.

Believe that Jesus Christ, God in flesh, lived a perfect life, then died on the cross, taking the punishment for your sins, and rising from the dead the third day. And, that this did all that was necessary to reconcile you with Him, and get you to Heaven.

Choose to receive Jesus Christ’s forgiveness on the cross for your sin, and allow Him to enter your heart and make you new on the inside, and to come live in you; let Him give you a heart that wants to follow Him, and not sin. You won’t stop sinning right away, but just like that friend who will always guide and help you, He will begin a work to help you grow closer to Him, and He will complete it, even unto the day of the Lord. (Phil. 1:6)

That’s all there is to it. You can call on Him right now, in fact; whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved. (Rom. 10:13) Just call on Him to forgive you of your sins and save you from that horrible punishment, separation from God forever in a place call Hell; a place only meant for the devil and his angels, but where people go who reject His love and offer of friendship.

He is a faithful friend, though, who will never leve you nor forsake you. And, He wants you to keep drawing close to Him. Not only that, but He wrote His Word, the Bible, to tell you of His grace and mercy, and also of how badly He wants you to avoid His judgment. He also wants us to go out and tell others about His awesome friendship.

Remember, though, that it’s all by His grace and mercy. He is the Creator of the universe. He didn’t have to choose to make us friends. He did, though, because of His great love for each of us – for you, for me, for everyone.

And, He’ll be that shoulder to cry on, that one to confide in, that One who can help you through anything. He loves you more than you can imagine.

A year ago, the only things people knew about Ben Roethlisberger were that he’d won 2 Super Bowls, and that his name was hard to spell; “Ben Rothlisberger” is one of many possible spellings people have made. Today, it’s much different. It’s a story that shows just why people need to think about their actions before they take them.

For those who don’t know, Roethlisberger has been involved in two situations involving women; one resulting in a civil suit, and the more result assault allegation. No criminal charges were filed in either. However, they show the importance of making wise choices when out in public, and even hint at why courtship is recommended by many, even for older people.

The latest one is the only one in which a District Attorney looked at evidence. The D.A.’s statement showed that something happened, but it’s too difficult to tell what it was. Even without criminal charges, though, evidence is so strong that something happened that there was talk that Commissioner Roger Goodell would suspend him.

Some have decried the fact he was at the place in question, but with a number of friends around him, that shouldn’t have been a huge problem. Why?

Obviously, people must act responsibly. But, we’re all human. We should have codes that tell us to be responsible for ourselves, but when we fail, we need friends there for us.

True friends – the kind that look out for you and don’t pressure you into things – provide accountability. That means, if the star QB wanted to drink more, at least one should have been responsible and made sure that, first, all the drinkers got rides, and second, that nobody did anything which might look bad in the morning. In other words, there should always be at least one who can have fun without losing control. One can have a lot of fun and even act silly quite well on one’s own, without causing trouble.

True friends help you because they love you – Proverbs 17:17 says that, “A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” This means a true friend shows true concern for their friend’s welfare – that includes looking ahead – and won’t try to hurt his or her friend. A brother – one who is closer than a friend, even – is the kind who will always be there when rough times hit. However, there is a friend who will stick closer to you than a brother. (Prov. 18:24) A friend will tell the truth, even when it hurts (Prov. 27:6: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend”), because he or she knows that sometimes, that person will turn the wrong way, and need help finding their way back. That proverb goes on to state that the “kisses” of an enemy will be destructive.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that Roethlisberger’s friends aren’t true friends. For all we know, one may have stayed sober, and Roethlisberger refused to listen. But, if all of the had, they could have prevented him – physically, if need be – from going into a restroom and causing whatever to happen. So, at least some didn’t do their duty in helping him that night. But, they might be great guys normally. It does, however, show something important that we’ll get to in a minute.

First, however, the D.A. said drinking was involved. Statements say it led to something happening in a restroom. The young lady also needed friends helping her. Proverbs 27:17 says, “Iron sharpeneth iron, so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” What that means is that a man or a woman who is a true friend will sharpen – that is, make better and help with things, such as one’s perspective on a situation – their friend just as iron sharpens iron; and, iron does the best job of sharpening another piece of iron. Too many people drink because they fall for the lies of our culture. It’s a lie that make them think they’re missing something, when they’re not. It’s much better to be able to remember what you did for one thing.

These people should not have had to rely on friends to begin with, of course. Roethlisberger was older, and should have known better. However, when temptation came, they should have been able to rely on friends who were with them. (Edit: It appears that the young lady did have a couple friends who tried to intervene, but becasue they waited, they couldn’t.)

Human friends aren’t the best to rely on. Human friends let us down at times. However, there is – as noted above – a friend that sticks closer than a brother at all times. That friend that always sticks closer than a brother is Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ is God in flesh – He was God and man. (John 1:1, 14; John 10:30, etc.) He knows everything we’ve been through, because He has been through it Himself. Yet, He never sinned. He lived a perfect life. He died on the cross to take the punishment for each of our sins, and then rose victoriously from the dead.

He can live inside anyone if they just trust Him by simple faith to forgive them of their sins and come into their heart to change them, believing He took the punishment for them, personally. He lives in each believer through the Holy Spirit. When the veil in the Temple was torn from top to bottom, the Glory of God was free to move about the earth, because the curse of sin had been lifted. God is free to indwell every believer now.

First Corinthians 10:13 promises that no matter what we are tempted with, God will provide a means of escape that is how we rely on that friend – Jesus Christ – that sticks closer than a brother. We listen to Him in our hearts, through that still small voice, through Scripture that we’ve read, and so on.

Roethlisberger and/or that young woman might have Christ in them, of course. I’m not saying they don’t. If they do, however, they didn’t listen to Him. There is no temptation that any of us will face that many others haven’t faced before. However, God is faithful, and will always provide a means of escape.

He won’t be like a fireman pulling a person from a burning home, though. He gives us free will. He doesn’t want us to be mindless robots. And, sometimes, the only way we’ll listen, is if we’ve learned a painful lesson beforehand. Other people will listen without having to learn the hard way. Every person is different, and the Lord knows each one of us, and how to reach us.

What really happened in the Ben Roethlisberger case? We don’t know all the facts, and might never know. But, we know these general things:

1. There was a breakdown in behavior, either because Roethlisberger didn’t listen to that part of him saying not to do certain things, or he never learned that lesson. Whichever it is, that was sin; not just because he hurt someone, but because he turned away from doing what was right.

2. That act of turning away from what was right was made worse because human friends let him down. Isaiah 53:6 is among many verses that note that this happens, because we’re human. “All we like sheep have gone astray, we have turned each one to his own way, and the Lord hath laid on Him the iniquity of us all.”

3. Because human friends fail us, we need to rely on the one True Friend, the one who called His disciples friends.

4. Jesus loveth at all times, but whereas human friends can’t love with an agape love, He can. That means unconditional love – He will never leave you, nor forsake you. So, if you mess up, he won’t leave you stranded. He’ll always be there, waiting with open arms for you to turn back to Him. When one receives Him, that person is sealed with the Holy Spirit, which is the earnest of our redemption – it’s the down payment which says that we’ll have eternal life with Him someday. Because, we don’t just get eternal life someday with Him, He gives eternal life with Him right here on Earth.

For you to do that, though, you need to have Him in your heart to begin with. God restored the fellowship that was broken when sin entered the world, by reconciling us to Him. He wants to be your friend. And, each of us is only a single, sincere prayer of repentance away from having Him as a friend inside you, guiding and helping through everything in life.