Is it your best friend? Your sister? Or is it you? Now that a ring is on your finger, you’re realizing that you’re life is about to change and you can’t wait another second to say “I do.” You think about all you’ve been through and your mind can’t help but go back to the beginning; when you first met the man that would one day become your husband.
So what’s one of the first things you want to do when you suddenly become someone’s fiance? Perhaps it’s safe to say that you want to run and tell your mom! After all of the joy, excitement and maybe even a few tears, a wise woman would ask her mother (if she hadn’t asked already) all that she needs to know before she gets any closer to the alter.
So here’s the burning question: If your mother is divorced, never married, or unhappily married, can she give you what she doesn’t have?
It’s true, some of the best advice comes from people that have gone through pain, fears and disappointments. Even those who haven’t quite reached their goal, they’re still persevering with plenty of lessons under their belt. But what if the perception of your mother toward marriage is deep bitterness and a lack of forgiveness? How will you receive the insight and encouragement from your mother then?
Okay, let’s take a deep breath. Yes, it’s a blessing if one has parents who have a loving, successful marriage that spans decades. But what about the women who don’t? What do they have to look to in order to know what being a husband or wife means?
Family curses are what come into play here. Cycles of bad habits, skewed mentalities and most detrimental, homes lacking the presence of Christ.
It’s truly about getting back to basics. When some little girls are twirling around in their tutus and “playing purse,” their mothers may be teaching them about who God is, if they don’t already know at that toddler age. Throughout their childhood years any lessons a girl’s mom shares is usually remembered if reiterated as she grows older.
“I have to tell you like my mother told me. Be independent, even in marriage-and have your own money,” said Elizabeth. She has been married for over 30 years. Unhappily. She reflects on some of the things she told her daughter when she was growing up regarding men and marriage. “Education first.” She emphasized this throughout her daughter’s life. Elizabeth said that education gives you the freedom to do what you want. To have a more well-rounded life. You realize the more education you get, the more education you want.” So what did she tell her daughter about marriage? That you don’t have to tell men everything. Elizabeth’s reasoning is that as the woman, you believe that marriage is about unity, but the man is all for himself.
This is a mother who has been scarred by her years as an unhappy wife.
From a family of eight, she grew up in a home filled with siblings and two loving parents. She’s the baby, so her parents were well into their forties when she came along. While her mother took Elizabeth and her brothers and sisters to church, she was never consistently taught what having a relationship with Christ is all about.
She remembers the one day when her father went to church with them. After this memory came to her mind, she said that it’s possible that she never really knew what the characteristics of a man with a heart for Lord looked like.
It all comes down to one decision. That one decision to fall in love with Jesus. No matter how much someone else can try to teach and preach, you have to feel and hear God for yourself in order to surrender your life.
Elizabeth’s mother couldn’t do any more than what she did because it was up to Elizabeth all along to seek what the Lord wanted for her and wants for her today. Praying for her husband before he came along- doing the same for her children. Seek God in all of the decisions that you make.
Elizabeth has an experienced soul. She’s experienced a lot of pain from a marriage that was built on the wrong things. She admits that she wants to develop a relationship with Christ. Only then can she possess a forgiving heart.
So what about the hopeful heart? That’s the thing about Jesus—when you know Him before you make choices all on your own, you have the ability to live a life of hope, excitement and fearlessness.
You take a seasoned soul’s lessons and God’s principles and see whether they line up. You can take heed to what an older woman has been through, but don’t let it paralyze you and make you fearful of marriage. God has called you to be fearless!
When you know God, when you have fallen in love with Jesus Christ, when you live a praying life, when you read and practice the Word, not only can you avoid a broken marriage and bitterness, but you can bless another woman with your spirit. Even one who has an experienced soul.
Chateaux-Capri “CC” Sirmans