Success and Failure Blog

THE GUARDS OF REMEMBRANCE

Before the era of written language, pen and ink or the printing press, mankind passed along what was to be remembered. Sometimes all there was a painted picture on a cave wall. Then there was recitation of family lineage, the how-tos of life, and much more was shared by remembering or memorization. We see this practice documented over and over again in the Old Testament. These memories were sometimes used as sources of pride, sometimes as sources of knowledge, sometimes of warning and other times as sources of protection. God many times told His people, “Remember Do not forget and other similar admonishments.”

Honoring the memory of our loved ones is wonderful and healing. We place pictures up at home, work, the car or wherever we want to bring the memories of who they were and our times together. Some people choose to fill their homes and every room. Others dont want to be reminded of the loss or pain and nothing is displayed anywhere. Some have nothing they want to remember. We carefully choose which picture or memorabilia we want in view. I doubt any of us would gleefully hang or place the belt or tree branch used for paddling our behinds when we were naughty.  Nope. I doubt that very much!

One day I found something out.  It never crossed my mind that remembering could be used for the wrong reason(s) until I had an encounter with the Lord a few months back.

I was having a discussion with a friend who was telling me about a certain person that I had had a bad experience with on many occasions. Needless to say, I had a very strong opinion that I could have spit out from my mouth with great justification. This person, it seemed, had finally managed to (in my judgmental opinion) get themselves into a position of authority and recognition that they had sought after for many years. In order to not sin with my mouth, I listened to my friend as she spoke about this person. I sat motionless and tried not to speak or show anything on my face. My friend knew this was not like me. She knew something was going on. Finally she pressed me to say something. I responded with the most controlled thing I could think of, but still managed to not pass the test with my response. I eventually conceded and said I have no right to judge this person. They could have changed. Lord knows the Lord has changed me. I am not the person I was a year ago let alone before I accepted Jesus as my Savior. If this could happen to me, then I knew God is powerful enough to change anyone.

Whew! Brilliant come back I thought. I felt I had redeemed myself and at least got a semi-passing grade.

As I was driving away, I heard the Lord say You’ve been using your memories of people to protect and guard yourself from getting hurt by them and others ever again. I am your Protector. Not your memories. I repented as fast as I could. I had no idea. You see, He has been cleaning up my past enough to allow me to be ready to hear about where else we need to go together. I already had learned so much about how and when to trust HIM. I had no idea I had retained this little corner of control. After all, I learned how to never forget from my parents and other family members. It was a badge of honor – a chain of commonality, so I thought.

I knew the Lord calls us to forgive. I thought I had learned how to do this. He went on to explain to me that If I hang on to these memories, unforgiveness would always have ripe soil for continued growth. A deep sorrow came over me and I cried out,  “Lord, I don’t know how to not do this. Its all I’ve known. You’ll have to wipe away the memories. I can’t. I don’t know how. Help me. I only want YOU to protect me.”

 I didn’t know how to begin. He told me, “As each memory comes up, pray for the person or situation you see and don’t dwell on what they did or did not do. Change the subject in your mind immediately and think on Me or something else. I will wipe away the pain. I will teach you and be your protector.”

Even though this lesson happened several months ago, I have not perfected my assignment but I keep working on it instance by instance – opportunity by opportunity.

I’ve had the occasion to spend more time with one of my siblings lately. I hear the memories of painful experiences flowing from his mouth. He doesnt know what the Lord has shown me. He also has not had the opportunity to walk down the road the Lord has taken me. Am I better than him? Absolutely not! He has achieved many things that I have not. It’s just that our paths have been different. But I am truly grateful the Lord reminded me of my lessons that I’ve learned from Him. I don’t have to have those little pain pockets in my heart anymore. The only thing I want to remember is the One I can trust to be the Protector, Healer, Teacher and Advocate.

And my hope is someday I can share this awakening with my brother. I know one thing. I won’t bring it up to him until the Lord tells me to and he is ready to hear. After all, the Lord waited graciously until He knew my heart was ready. I’m no spring chicken as they say but in God’s timing is never too late and we’re never too old. My ears may not hear as well but I pray that my heart and spirit will always remain open to receive these life lessons.

I pray that the Lord will continue to teach all of us the right time to remember, the right time to forget, and the ability call out to Him to learn the difference at all times.

I love the sound of water. I don’t care if it’s a wave, a river, a stream or a fountain. Just hearing the gentle trickling, running, tumbling sound of this “fluid serenity” brings peace to my mind and soul. Since I don’t live near the water, I have fountains in my backyard. They each have a different rhythm and sound emanating from them. The type of flow is different depending on the size of the pump, the shape of what the water flows through, the size of the hole(s) and how far it has to fall and fill.

I had to learn about fountains. At first whenever there wasn’t any water flowing I thought it was broken. I came to find out that there were multiple potential reasons…but it didn’t mean I had to throw the whole thing out.

The first time this happened, there was a flow problem. This one particular one has an angel with a trumpet in its hand where the water sprays into the basin. The center tube kept clogging and then the trumpet clogged. I had to learn to take the tip off and clean the holes while clearing the tube connected to it.

The second one is a smaller angel that has water dripping gently out through a little bucket in its hands into a small basin below. My dog Luke thinks this is his private drinking spot. This one needs to be filled with water more regularly. Luke gets thirsty at times. It also doesn’t hold as much and when I forget, the pump burns out. Needless to say, I’ve replaced many a pump.

Then I added a Tuscan fountain that has three different sized urns that bubbles water through the top of them. I assembled this one myself. I followed all the directions and was so very proud I even was able to understand the written instructions. It was working fine and then suddenly started to stop flowing. I was ready to bring it back to the store as a defective piece of merchandise. Time did not allow for this and so I needed to find a solution. “It must be my assembly” I said to myself. I tried many varied approaches to solve this problem. Then one day…there it was. The basin was gathering particles from falling foliage. The suction from the pump pulled these unwanted pieces into the intake area of the pump. Once I removed the obstructions damning it up, the water vigorously flowed from the tops of the urns gently down the sides and into the large basin. This is a powerful pump so the debris needs to be cleaned out on a fairly regular basis. I had to also learn that forcing water through the holes on top did not solve the problem because the problem was deep inside.

Finally, I found this beautiful fountain that bubbles out, up and over a bulb-like opening. It’s tall, regal and elegant. It brings a sense of power and presence to the garden setting. The sound coming from its source is not as loud as the other smaller fountains. I find that strange. You would think that it would be just the opposite given its size, presence and external characteristics. However, observing the water as it flows out and over the round bubble and then cascade down its sides still gives my spirit joy and refreshing.

The basin that holds the water for this gentle giant is fairly substantial. One day I noticed the water only trickling over the top. There was plenty of water in the basin. This puzzled me since this was a new acquisition and shouldn’t be having any problems. I wasn’t sure how to access the pump. I decided to do the simplest thing I could. I filled the basin to the brim. Behold the water gushed happily over the top and down the sides! It was such a simple solution I was shocked.

About a week ago I was standing outside checking the water levels. Then the Lord spoke to me in relation to the large bubble-top fountain. He said “Your life is like this one. You have to keep it filled with My water…the water of My Spirit…to continue to be effective and flow without stopping. Keep asking for this filling, spend time with me for this filling and watch as I flow out of you more efficiently and powerfully. Without my water there is no life.”

In Acts 1 and 2 Jesus promised after His resurrection that He would send us a Comforter, a Friend, and that we would be able to do all the things that He did and even more. He said that this source of Power would give us what we needed to empower our lives and continue just as He modeled for us while on this earth. Acts 2 specifically tells how this promise was fulfilled in visible signs and wonders (miracles and demonstrations of the power of God).

Genesis 1 &2 talks about how and why God created humankind (man and woman) in His image and likeness. They had it all. They lived in a place that only knew His presence, power and peace. They blew it. They wanted more. Their decision was made as the result of deception. This aborted the plan of mankind that was intended from the beginning of creation.

But God had His own plan. He sent His Son. Jesus came to bring life to us again and to bring the power and wisdom of heaven to earth in order to restore all that was taken. He did nothing while on this earth unless His heavenly Father directed Him to do so. The scriptures talk about this. They also talk about how Jesus spent time away from ministry to refresh and be still. If God’s Son needed all this, why should we feel we don’t? I didn’t. I was busy doing tons of things and squeezing in a moment now and then. My heart was right …but my priorities, I came to find out, were not. I wasn’t bubbling out to my fullest because I wasn’t filled to the brim.

I try to remember to ask myself…”How’s my life flowing?” “Is my basin empty, half full or my source of life plugged or do I just have a lot of debris blocking the pump.” “Am I allowing the purpose of my flow to be diminished by internal or external causes or do I just need to go back to be filled up?”

There are all kinds of fountains in all kinds of shapes, sizes and styles with all kinds of purposes. But they all do the same thing. Water pours through them continually. Our lives should and can be like that too. We just need to make sure we are ready, willing and available to filled, unclogged or cleaned out to fulfill our purpose. We aren’t the same. He doesn’t want us to be. He just wants us to remember where our power and life come from and that He is there to refill us, clear away the blockage and heal our heart (repair our pump) so that we are always ready to bubble up and pour out.

I have dogs. They’re all rescue dogs. There’s a phrase for these kinds of dogs…wonder dogs, because you “wonder what they are.” Their names are all based on important things I need to be reminded of in my life. Luke, Lily and…well you’ll see.

Three years ago a friend found this little dog in the shelter. He was quiet, tiny, white and sitting alone in a corner. He was called “Wags’ because he constantly wagged his tail. I took him home and named him Ezekiel (Zeke to his close friends) like that powerful prophet in the bible who proclaimed restoration.

I soon discovered he didn’t like to perform “his duty outside” in the rain and cold, he also needed to be “top dog” and he was relentless in his need for giving and getting love. It annoyed me too…the relentless part. He constantly had to be on me, jumping on me, licking my hand or face, and so on. Thankfully he has become more obedient in almost all things. We’re still working on the rainy day mishaps. However, he still remains obsessively loving, protective, and persistent in getting me to love him any way he can…like God. Here’s what I mean.

The Lord has been trying to teach me about a good “four letter word”… love. He’s been at it for many years. It’s always been a very frightening word that I felt was used too frivolously and had lots of other painful connotations. Then one day as Zeke was leaning on me, then lying on top of me, following me everywhere, in general “bugging Me”, I heard a still small voice inside me say “That’s the way I feel about you. I will not give up showing you My love. I have relentlessly pursued you and will not stop until you learn how to let Me love you. I’m not going away and I’m not giving up. I will continue to pursue you until you learn how to receive it. Like Zeke, I think you’re perfect. Like Zeke, I’ll be patient. Like Zeke, I’m never running away.”

Prior to this, I had spent the last thirty-five years being very busy doing good works; going through every open door I could find to achieve my goals and filling my life “with life.” I thought I was doing what the Lord wanted. I was right in some ways and wrong in one big way.

Something significant happened to me in England nearly twenty years ago. It was my last day there after attending a conference. I had time to waste. I wandered across the street to Kensington Park. As I was walking down a pathway I noticed a man covered with all types of birds, swarming around him, over him and on the ground around his feet. I got closer and was amazed at what I saw. This little old man, with tattered dirty clothes, a worn out hat, dirty hands and nails and very thick glasses had birds of kinds eating in his hands, or from his shoulders or as they perched on his head. Some were playing catch with the food he was tossing in the air. They were not afraid of him. They trusted him. Even the sparrows sat in his hand to enjoy the feast. They fearlessly sat next to a type of herring gull and pigeons twice their size!

It was a spectacular sight. I had to find out how such a thing could happen. He explained that he and his wife had come to the same place in the park at the same time of day every day since the beginning of World War II when they were newlyweds. He was not allowed to serve in any military due to his poor vision. She had passed away several years ago but he kept coming to feed their birds. They expected him and he loved his time with them.

On the airplane trip home the Lord explained why I had the opportunity to meet this man and his winged friends. He told me that I too would not be afraid if I could spend time with Him each day and allow Him to feed me and while I got to know Him better. But, as I said earlier, I got side-tracked and kept my life nice and busy so I didn’t have to think about it. After all, I was doing good works wasn’t I? That should have been enough right?

Two years ago, He got my attention due to a lot of different circumstances. One of which was losing my last living parent, my mother. The day I write this is the anniversary of her death.  In addition, all the “usual doors of opportunity and favor” shut tight and I was forced to be still. And that I did. Not with a perfect attitude I might add, but I did it. I had no choice.

Months went by. I didn’t sense any great breakthroughs. I kept reading, crying, pleading, pouting, yelling and searching. I didn’t think anything was changing, including me. But it was… and I was.

You see, I spent these twenty four months relentlessly seeking Him. Each day I began to get better with reading, studying, being silent and listening. I needed to know the purpose for the remainder of my life. I didn’t want the time I had left to be wasted. I wanted to know that my life, my dreams were aligned with His so I could one day hear “Well done good and faithful servant.” Everything that I once thought was important, the purpose for my living, was shifting or some would say being “sifted”.

Then I suddenly realized something.  I could finally hear this still small voice about this love. I was feeling safe, ready to hear about it and to experience it. I wanted to feel that thing that I heard people talk about all the time…unconditional love.  The love that is given without expectations…without asking…without pain.  A kind of love with lots of understanding and forgiveness, even if I make a mistake, like Zeke. It came and began (and still is) penetrating into the broken parts of me, healing me, giving me more power, more peace and more strength than ever before and at a speed that I can handle. It was always there…always available. I was too scared and too busy.

Like those little sparrows, I too look forward to my time with the One who feeds me, teaches me and talks to me. I actually cherish and protect those times. I’m no longer afraid to sit and listen. I don’t do this out of some religious obligation. I do this because I am drawn by this sense of love, safety and the anticipation that I might learn something new each day. If not, it’s alright. I’ve got the time. I’m in no rush. He’s worth it and He thinks I am too!

When I moved into my home five years ago, a dear friend helped me. She did this because she had superior skills in organization, detail, interior decorating, landscaping…and more. She also did this because I was not physically able to do a lot of things due to an undiagnosed physical challenge. She had a habit of modeling the love of God to people by being there to help when help was needed. Although, I was not one to ask for help or readily receive it until this infamous first year in my home.

I eventually underwent surgery to repair a hip degeneration. Due to the delay in making the diagnosis, I experienced some muscle atrophy (shrinking) and remained out of work for over eight months while trying to recuperate from a total hip replacement. I had never in my life experienced anything like this. I relied on many friends during this period of healing. It taught me many things…to be discussed another day.

During this time, this dear friend planted many things in my yard that I had never seen before. I trusted her and her skills for long-range planning. All I saw was dirt but she had a vision and I trusted her.

Because we live in an area of the country that suffers from lack of water, she chose some trees that she knew would do well in my dry, hard soil and recurring winds. All I knew was that these saplings were not very big and needed to be protected and sustained with secure poles. She told me these were Melaleuca trees (also called tea trees). I had no idea what the years of growth would bring. What a surprise was ahead!

As the years passed, I was aware of their increasing size due to change in height on the poles that they were securely attached to. They were getting taller and stronger and began to be sturdy enough to sustain themselves against the gusting winds. Then one day they began to produce a flower that the bees flocked to for nourishment. Amazing…my little saplings had grown into beautiful, strong, life-sustaining reminders of a very cleaver and creative Power!

As the seasons passed, I enjoyed my tree with its peeling bark. I was fascinated by the beauty of the bark that hung in layers on the trunks.  Each piece of bark had its own unique connection point and shape. At times, the pieces seemed to dangle, sustained by tiny and sometimes invisible-to-the-eye connection points. I watched and waited to see when and if the bark would fall. The colors in this maturation process were spectacular.

Then, this last June, I was out front watering and started to notice how smooth the trunk of the tree had become wherever the bark had fallen off. It was large and was now immovable by anything. Then I heard the Lord say, “Your life is like this tree. Layers upon layers have gently fallen off as you have grown in me and allowed me to stretch you to new heights. The beauty and strength that was hidden under the exterior covering has become more exquisite and the foundation has become stronger as you have allowed the layers to fall off in my time. This can’t happen unless you allow the old to be removed to make room for the new.”

What was so amazing was that I never even really noticed how majestic the trees had become. I saw them every day and just took them for granted. I enjoyed them so very much but hadn’t taken time to really study them. Imagine my amazement as He paralleled what had happened in my own life during many years walking with Him. I was so preoccupied with the present that I could not see how far He had taken me and how I had changed.

I was given a promise in a dream fifteen years earlier that I continually hold in my heart. Isaiah 40:28-31…”He created all the world. Don’t you know? Haven’t you heard? The LORD is the everlasting God; He never grows tired or weary. No one understands his thoughts. He strengthens those who are weak and tired. Even those who are young grow weak; young people can fall exhausted. But those who trust in the LORD for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak”.

I love to hear His promise in Jeremiah 29:11-13…“I alone know the plans. I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for. Then you will call to me. You will come and pray to me, and I will answer you. You will seek me, and you will find me because you will seek me with all your heart.“

During my years of trials, tribulations, tears and triumphs I had sought Him with all my heart. I had no choice. There were no other answers…no other way. I knew that.

Like my melaleuca trees, I have become stronger, steadier, able to withstand the winds of time that rage against me. I continue to seek Him with all my heart. I see the Glory of His love and the power that His Son gave to me when He gave up His own life. This wisdom, love and power that He promised in His comforter, the Holy Spirit, changes my life as He fulfills the dreams in my heart.

Do you feel like a little sapling hanging on with all your might? Does it feel like you’ll never get strong enough to withstand what is hurled against you? Are you having trouble seeing any change in your life or in who you are? Don’t give up! He is standing right next to you, attached to you, sustaining you during your growth. I promise you He will never leave you or abandon you. He loves you too much. He knows the beauty that is hidden and He plans on showing you off to the world! He plans on using all your talents and gifts, in His time and when He knows you’re ready. In the meantime, stand back…take a look…see how far you have come! You might be surprised…just like I was.

Heart Sick Vs. A Sick Heart

We have all heard the phrase “They died of a broken heart.”  I’m not a doctor. I’ve been in medicine for many years and have never really seen a “broke heart.” I’ve taken care of people who have a sick heart from causes known or suspected. Many heart problems are from real physical causes. I’ve also known/seen people with signs of a “broken heart”.

I can tell you there have been many times in my life I experienced “heart sickness.” No, it was never a physical symptom or cause (thank the good Lord). It usually was associated with a loss, hurt, rejection, pain from the past and on and on. But one pain in particular recently almost made me want to give up. However, I must stress NOT give up my life…give up my dreams, the thing(s) I have been waiting to come true. You see, I learned many tears ago that “thou shalt not kill” meant me too! I wasn’t supposed to kill others or myself. Suicide is never an option.

I had one choice only. Find a way to hang on. I tried to share what my heart was feeling. Sometimes advice isn’t always perfect when friends try to encourage and be helpful.  One told me to “let my dream die or be willing to let it die like Abraham had to be willing to do with Isaac.” They went on, “You’re in so much pain because you’re hanging on to it. You have to be willing to stab it to death”

The words of this friend sent me into a tailspin. Their intent was correct.  I also know that this world is dominated by a spiritual power that causes accusations to flood our minds and hearts for one purpose only … to give up and lose hope. I thought I had done that…the “turning over” that they learn in Twelve Step Programs. What now? Listen to a trusted friend’s advice and tell God as fast as I could I was sorry or give up and spend the rest of my life angry, depressed and feeling hopeless? I knew “hope deferred makes a heart grow sick.”

I decided to ask a small group of wise friends what they knew about God and this subject. Here are some of their direct responses :

“Nothing stays at the altar.  Not even Isaac.  God provided a substitute sacrifice in a moment of time.  So when Abraham was told to put his own son upon the altar – it wasn’t so that God could kill him, rather it was a sign of obedience that Abraham was willing to do anything he was told by the Lord.   In a moment of time, when God saw that Abraham was willing to sacrifice even his own son, God brought the substitute sacrifice; the ram!”

“For me keeping hope means that I always feel expectant toward my future, openhearted toward people, and soft in the attitudes of my heart. When I let hope go…I get hard-hearted, negative and cynical about…well, everything.”

“His dreams for my life have far exceeded anything I could’ve made happen.  For the dreams that still remain in the womb of my heart, my hope is in Jesus. While we are waiting for our dreams to come to pass, I have learned that God is deeply investing in building our character and making us more like Him. He also takes that time to show us who He really is during the process and who we were created to be.”

“God takes all of our ambitions and turns them into relationship with Him IF we will let Him! We must be willing to let the dream, promise, whatever, remain in God’s hands and in his timing.” 

“When I let something die I stop looking at how it will happen. I never give up hope, because my hope is wrapped up in God and His purpose for my life. He gave me my gifts and He said my gifts will make room for me. There is a peace in my heart that really doesn’t care one way or the other because I know they (my gifts) don’t validate me (who I really am). It only serves to validate my hope… which is in God.”

Why do I share these responses with you? Because, I have found that when I can’t find the answers in front of me I need to hang on to what I know from the past and the experiences of others (their testimonies).  Twelve Step Programs call that “sharing your experience, strength and hope.”

I have had to search for the answers in the testimony of many living and dead:

“ ‘Be strong and of good courage, fear not, or be afraid, neither be dismayed, for it is the Lord your God, He goes with you; He will not fail you, or leave you.”  “Do not be in fear, despair, crushed, terrified, demoralized, panic.  Do not crack under the stress. Do not be beaten down.’ God knows that we will have times of stress, uncertainty, and fear, but he wants us to recognize that he is wonderful, loving, kind and don’t forget really smart.”

“If Jesus is your hope, you will always have hope no matter how far away the dream feels or how dead things seem.”  Read Psalm 39:7

Since that initial tailspin, I’ve grown and become stronger in finding where my answers are and hope lives. The relationship I thought was so clear and strong is more intimate, safe and a source of strength and direction. I’m not in a rush about the answers and have learned to be grateful for all I have and look forward to the future…whatever it may hold! My heart is well and …“It is well with my soul.”

Among many things, I am an artist.  I usually don’t have enough wall space to hang my work.  I stored two of my favorite paintings under a bed. They had laid there unviewed for several years.  Did I mention the bed was in the cats’ favorite room?

So on the day of my exodus from the old house to the new, I discovered my two forgotten treasures.  In addition, I found the cat’s had left me a gift.  Two gigantic cat furr ball excrements right on the paintings!  I was crushed and didn’t know what to do.  I loved these works of art and the message behind them.   I guess my cats had other feelings.  My friends knew how distraught I was.  They kept saying “Can’t you just paint over them?” Artists know this is not an easy task, especially with paintings that are unique and were created years prior.

I didn’t know what to do.  Everytime I looked at them I felt crushed and a failure since I had no solution.  So, I decided that out-of-sight was the best option.  I buried them inside of a large rented storage shed where spiders and such could find a good home.

Four years later I was forced to empty that shed and move the paintings again.  This time they would be on my property.  But again, I had a shed I could store them in safely for a possible miracle in the future.  You see, I had believed in miracles…just not miracles with inanimant objects.  I felt that was too trivial for God to fix.  My not painting over them or throwing them out was my only way of hanging onto hope.

This past Thanksgiving, I had cause to go into the shed.  I noticed two canvas’ facing away from me. I pulled them out. I was crushed because once again I was faced with my failure to solve this impossible task.

But this time God new it was time.  He  knew I would be able to hear His voice and not be afraid to fix what was broken, with His help!

I bravely took both paintings out and began to follow the leading of a Power higher than my reasoning.  I again dusted off all the spider trails and dust.  He began to lead me (in a matter of minutes) into the solution to saving the original intent of these pieces while enhancing the beauty and detail. I’ll admit it was scary.  I risked making a mistake I could not turn back from.  But my need to be obedient …to go beyond the fear… the sense of failure…was greater than my need to hide the failure once again.

When I was done I heard something that I will never forget.  Something that was a witness to all of my life failures and unfinished business.  “When I say it’s time to repair the things that the world considers broken and unrepairable…it will be done and it will be better than before.”

Those painting hang on my walls in clear view of everyone who comes.  I challenge visitors to find the original traces of the cat deposits.  No one has been able to.  Many have had chills and look in awe of what God can do when no man can.

Do you feel like you can’t be fixed or something the cat puked out?  Don’t because He sees the beauty inside of you and knows the answers.  He is waiting for your OK to do the repairs and let the world see you how He intended you to be.   A work of beauty!  Say “yes” to Him.  What have you got to lose?